What does he see?

     When I reflect upon my vocation as a priest, I am struck by how unworthy I am, how inadequate to the task, how lacking in abilities and dynamism and talents.  I have always been hard on myself, always insecure in who I am and what I have to offer.  That has been one of my struggles.

     When I reflect upon my vocation as a priest, though, I am in awe of how God uses me despite those limitations.  The shy kid, the mediocre student, the insecure person has touched the lives of countless people over these thirty nine years of ministry in ways that defy logic.  The only reason that I can offer is that the Lord has chosen me and anointed me, he has set me on course and guided my way, he has entrusted me with his message of salvation.  For that, I am grateful.

     I remember a time in high school seminary when the rector called in my parents, and in my presence told them that I was a mediocre student and that I would never be ordained.  Talk about affirmation!  It may be that he was trying to "motivate" me, but I doubt it.  I ended up being stationed with the man in my early priesthood.  Maybe a bit of revenge?  I remember an assignment where my pastor would periodically let in to me, demeaning the work that I was doing and belittling me as a person.  Those were dark days.  I can recount numerous times when I know that I let people down, when I failed to live up to their expectations or needs, and while sorry, understand that the realization led me to work harder.

     By the way, it is dark and dreary, pouring rain and cold outside, which may be one of the reasons for this reflection.

     However, I have also had tremendous support and encouragement, prayers and love given me over the years by family and friends and parishioners from every parish.  My positive stories way outnumber the negative, and they remain deeply embedded in who I am as a priest.  They are the reason that I am a priest ... along with the fact that God has chosen me.  Like David in today's reading from Samuel (1 Sam 16:1-13), God saw something in me that I did not see and others may not have recognized.  For better or worse, he has set me on course and graced my journey.  As the Lord told Samuel "Not as man sees does God see, because he sees the appearance but the LORD looks into the heart."  Thank you for looking into my heart, Lord.